It’s really hard to explain why but in simple words, they get “contaminated” in my brain. And if was to wear them they would cause extreme anxiety.
This is the worst part of this disorder. I know this sounds extremely stupid and pathetic but your brain does not give a damn.
I could go on and on for hours about the things I do and avoid thanks to OCD, the throwing away stuff is just a small part.
Most days it takes me about 45min-1 hour to get the elevator in my building to get to my apartment. I just stand there and pretend I’m on my phone until it “feels right” to get into the elevator. Sometimes I’ll even take the elevator up and down 2-3 times.
My world just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I have a wife who adores me no matter what and the worst part is knowing what a pain in the ass and burden you can be. At least when we met I was mostly OCD free and pretty normal, so hopefully she’ll remember like that.
This disease is a monster.
Honestly I realize more and more how much in denial I am about the severity of my condition and the fact that I have no choice but to get on SSRIs as much as I would have like not to. Unfortunately science doesn’t seem to be at a place at the moment to give more answers or better treatments for this condition.
Believe me, I (and I'm sure others on here) do understand where you are coming from on this. I've had similar symptoms, although not quite as bad as yours'.
For instance, I constantly have to try door handles to make sure they are locked, especially when I am leaving for the day or going to sleep at night. I've had times in the past where I had to leave the house through the back door, because I KNEW I would have to check the door handle twenty times before I left. And it made things much worse if I was self-conscious that people might be watching me check the door handle over and over again, and then watching me leave, so they would know that I wasn't in the house, and I was worried that they might break in and steal things. So I would leave out the back door, through the back yard, so I could check the door handle without anyone watching me, and I would know that the front door and back door were locked. And still, I would sit in the driveway staring at the locked front door and obsessing about it, knowing that it was locked, but unable to make myself accept in my mind that it was REALLY locked.
And what Flex500 says about unnecessary medical testing, Good Lord I would be ashamed to add up how many thousands of dollars I've spent in the last year on blood tests, just trying to work out my hormonal problems. I think I'm propping up the economy just from what I've spent with Quest in the last year. It's a serious problem and addiction, because I know I should be saving that money, especially now that I have a new baby daughter to look after.
And the gear use definitely does have effects on it, as you know from your own prior gear use. I can tell you from my experience, that I feel much more comfortable on higher amounts of testosterone versus TRT amounts of test. DHT compounds like Masteron and Proviron make it much better; high and unchecked estrogen levels give me anxiety and make it much worse. Anxiety is the fuel that feeds the OCD behavior. Androgens have to balance out the estrogens or everything gets much worse. And yet we need some estrogens for brain health, heart health, libido, etc. It's a balancing act, and I am still trying to work out the answers for myself. And while being hypothyroid usually makes people lethargic, for me it makes me anxious, and so thyroid is part of the equation as well.
But you posting this on a bodybuilding board, and me talking about gear, reminds me of the saying that if all you've got is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. Meaning that we who have been bodybuilders think of things in terms of gear use...how much test do I take? What else do I take with it? What about my DHT, my AI, my SERM, how about the 19-nors like Deca, Tren, Trest, etc? And all those things do have an effect on it.
Meanwhile, the psychologists who know the most about OCD and anxiety for the most part aren't thinking about any of that (maybe they should be, a little bit.) Instead, they are focused on SSRI's, SNRI's, tri-cyclics, CBT and other behavior therapy. They have more experience and a bigger, more expansive toolbox in dealing with problems like ours.
And we probably owe it to ourselves to stop playing at being armchair psychologists or endocrinologists, and listen to the experts who know the most about the problem. Asking for opinions and experiences from the bro's on a bodybuilding board is helpful, because we can see that there are other people out there just like us, with the same problems as us. But in the end, we should take advantage of the help and advice offered to us by the experts who know the most about the problem, rather than a bunch of well-meaning bodybuilders and gym rats on PM.
So if the severity of your problem has escalated to the degree you have described, and it is really having that bad of an effect on the rest of your life, I would work with your psychologist and therapist to find the best answer for you.