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- Joined
- Jun 5, 2002
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- 8,897
well.. here goes.. i get home from work and my wife says she wants to cook out..so i get the grill started and kick back in the lawn chair waiting for the grill to heat.. as i glance over across the street i see jacob and his friend shaun (both 13 years old) attaching a red wagon to a ten speed bike.. (let me set the scene.. jacob is almost 6 foot and has freckles.. shaun is maybe 5 foot even and looks like a young david spade) well,, curiousity got the best of me and i sent my little girl in to get dad a soda (hey.. dont judge me.. whats the use in having a midget if it does nt do chores) as i did not want to miss what might transpire..
i notice that the bike has a motor attached to it and that only heightened my curiousity.. now about this time jacob looks in my direction and notices me looking at him.. he smiles and in his smart ass tone he says "hey.. ya wanna ride?" i said "no thanks.. what ya planning on doing?" they both laugh and talk quietly to each other then reply "i am taking shaun for a little ride.. its gonna be cool".. now dear members.. in this JACKASS generation there is no "little ride".. they are going to try a stunt and will probably hurt themselves.. AND I LOVE THAT CRAP.. so instead of the fatherly instinct kicking in and stopping the impending disaster.. i giggle like a 12 year old and wait for the carnage..
my wife comes out (which by the way.. my wife is known as "saint ann" in the community.. much of it for putting up with me and the other is because you will not find a sweeter women.. but, she has a tendency to block my fun if she thinks that someone might get hurt
) and she asks me what i am talking to jacob about.. now.. i dont need her nurtureing ways blocking my fun so i say "nothing.. just working on his bike".. all the while i am wrestling with my demons and think i need to say something... i didnt.. for a moment in time i actually felt guilty.. i am over it though..
my wifes sits down and starts talking about the lawn.. all the while i am thinking that she better get out of here before she figures somthing out and ruins what could be a epic moment in my life.. she can be so selfish ..
she finally quits rapping about the lawn and it is quite for a moment.. then the quite is interrupted by the sound of a motor being pull started.., much like a lawn mower.. i glance over and shaun is sitting in the wagon with a shit eatin' grin on his face.. and jacob and i lock eyes and he is smiling from ear to ear.. i smile back.. we both know that this is gonna be something special.. i give him a telepathic "thumbs up" and he accelerates..
now.. as god is my witness.. i never figured that this bike would reach the speeds that it did.. with in seconds jacob was tearing up the rode with shaun in tow .. the motor was exceptionally loud but, you could still shaun laughing his little ectomorphic ass off.. and then they rounded the corner and the sound faded away.. i was pissed.. where were they going? i figured that the fun was over and went to the grill and started cooking.. all the while my wife is saying "oh my.. i hope they will be all right.. the street looks busy".. i was still pissed at the little bastards for not letting me in on the fun..
about 3 minutes later i started to hear a faint motor in the background and it was gaining dicibals as it got nearer.. i was actually excited.. now they round the corner into the neighborhood.. jacob is bent over the handle bars to lessen the wind resistants and enhance the speed.... smart thinking.. i would do the same.. shaun is sitting inthe wagon with a half ass smile-half ass "scared shitless" look on his face.. me?.. i am already giggling like a school girl.. my wife? already expressing concerns for the boy's well
being.. i would guess their speed at 15-20 miles per hour..
now my friends.. i live in a coltasack.. from the start of the neighborhood to the end is about 150 yards.. give or take.. at the end of the coltasack is farmland.. ten feet from the end of the coltasack is a barbed wire fence that fences in cows.. the land then slopes downward so we never really see the livestock.. got the picture?..lets proceed..
as jacob flys by me he reaches back and somehow releases the red wagon.. and hence.. shaun.. jacob then turns out the way..at the release point shaun is about 50 feet from the end of the coltasack .. he has his knees drawn up in his chest to just be able to fit in the wagon.. that would spell his doom.. i take it from the scream that shrieked out of shaun's mouth that he was not expecting this sudden turn of events and to his credit.. he tried gallantly to free himself from his red coffin but.. to no avail..
the red wagon ramps up the slight concrete embankment with its screaming cargo on board.. by this time he has managed to get one leg free and with a "flintstone type" effort he is gragging his foot on the concrete.. it is all for naught.. the red wagon launches skyward.. and what must have seemed like a eternity for the lad named shaun but, only nano seconds, he clips the top of the barbwired fence.. wagon and all.. the wagon about 4 feet in the air.. this collisionacts as though a catapult and launches shaun in the air.. in pure superman style.. by the way.. the screaming has yet to diminish in nature.. shaun still airborne vanishes down the slope out of site.. i can assume the moment of impact with the ground because nanoseconds after he hit.. i saw his shoe fly up in the the air and quitely crash to the ground.. giving me two good bounces of which.. visually.. put me on the ground in the fetal position laughing like a national geographic documentary about hyenias..
my wife then yells "oh my god.." she pause with her hands covering her mouth in shear horror.. the says "did you see his shoe?" my wife equates the amount of possible impact with the amount it would take for one's shoe to ejaculate off ones foot.. this comment further puts me in the hole and now i can not breathe and can not get the image and sounds out of my head.. the scream.. the flintstone move.. the utter horror he must have felt and.. of course.. the site of impact marked by the launching of a nike..
i am completely out of commission and of no use to anyone at this moment.. my wife is yelling for me to stop laughing and come with her to see if he is all right.. blah .. blah.. she might have said something else.. cant say for sure.. and i would have just stayed there in my laugh induced stupper if it had not occured to me that something funny may ver well be out of sight behind that hill.. it was too much to pass up.. i stagger to my feet and run.. bent over still laughing with my wife yelling at me to stop.. i run past jacob and he says.. with a surprisingly startled look on his face.. "oh shit".. that .. as it enters my ear and settles into my brain's command center, further pushes me into a state of hysteria that i truly hope i never see again.. my knees buckle and as i roll around on the grass i really believe that i will projectile vomit at any moment.. i try to stop but, the meories keep coming back.. now add the "oh shit" and the look of complete shock that can only be made when a stunt goes horribly arye and i am now inconsulable..
but , again.. my persaverence for the ultimate laugh and the desire.. nay.. need to see shaun in his worst possible state somehow summounds the strength to make the extra 30 feet.. now reader.. i come off as callous.. but, it is truly in my dna for my father was not happy until someone was hurt just enough to let him launch off into a various levels of hysteria.. old men falling on ice?.. mere slap stick to my father.. but, i digress..
as i make it over the fence i cautiously approach the slope.. not knowing what i will find on the other side.. i start to feel guilty.. he could have a broken neck.. he could be rendered unconscience... brain damage?.. sure.. another possibility.. i approach with caution.. the laughing fits and muscle weakening hysteria.. now gone..i look over the slope.. i see shaun laying with his head pointed towards the bottom and laying in a crucifix position.. partially upside down from the 45 degree angle of the slope.. you would think that the first thing i check was for blood.. head wound.. any protruding shattered femurs that have etched thier way to the possible surface.. nope.. my eyes lock on the one sock covered foot.. minus a shoe .. looking me square in the eyes.. i drop this time to not return to a "normal state" for a period of ten minutes.. my abs ache with degrees of lactic acid that they will never know again.. my laughing is so loud and shrill that my wife.. attending to shaun.. yelling at me has absolutely to effect.. i am on all fours and inconsulable..
i try my damndest to not look at shaun.. who is moaning and motionless .. but, again.. the sadistic nature of my personality beckons me to look.. just one last time to garner any last ounce of humor in the situation.. i look up.. amidst the tears and swollen eyes.. slowly raising my head upward.. only to find my wife helping shaun sit up with the motherly instinct that she has always expressed.. shaun looks at me slowly.. we lock eyes.. he has a pained expression on his face.. but, again.. the onlything i see is a huge twig.. about ten inches long stuck through his hair.. i now keel over on to my side.. its over .. no refunds,, no returns.. my wife even now is trying to hide her face and trying dispritely not to laugh as i drag her into my sick little word.. as i lay on the grass pounding the earth with my fists i hear shaun's first words aimed at jacob since he almost became a statistic.. "DUDE..WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?".. at this point in the story my 3 o clock protein shake met mother earth..
i notice that the bike has a motor attached to it and that only heightened my curiousity.. now about this time jacob looks in my direction and notices me looking at him.. he smiles and in his smart ass tone he says "hey.. ya wanna ride?" i said "no thanks.. what ya planning on doing?" they both laugh and talk quietly to each other then reply "i am taking shaun for a little ride.. its gonna be cool".. now dear members.. in this JACKASS generation there is no "little ride".. they are going to try a stunt and will probably hurt themselves.. AND I LOVE THAT CRAP.. so instead of the fatherly instinct kicking in and stopping the impending disaster.. i giggle like a 12 year old and wait for the carnage..
my wife comes out (which by the way.. my wife is known as "saint ann" in the community.. much of it for putting up with me and the other is because you will not find a sweeter women.. but, she has a tendency to block my fun if she thinks that someone might get hurt
) and she asks me what i am talking to jacob about.. now.. i dont need her nurtureing ways blocking my fun so i say "nothing.. just working on his bike".. all the while i am wrestling with my demons and think i need to say something... i didnt.. for a moment in time i actually felt guilty.. i am over it though..my wifes sits down and starts talking about the lawn.. all the while i am thinking that she better get out of here before she figures somthing out and ruins what could be a epic moment in my life.. she can be so selfish
..she finally quits rapping about the lawn and it is quite for a moment.. then the quite is interrupted by the sound of a motor being pull started.., much like a lawn mower.. i glance over and shaun is sitting in the wagon with a shit eatin' grin on his face.. and jacob and i lock eyes and he is smiling from ear to ear.. i smile back.. we both know that this is gonna be something special.. i give him a telepathic "thumbs up" and he accelerates..
now.. as god is my witness.. i never figured that this bike would reach the speeds that it did.. with in seconds jacob was tearing up the rode with shaun in tow .. the motor was exceptionally loud but, you could still shaun laughing his little ectomorphic ass off.. and then they rounded the corner and the sound faded away.. i was pissed.. where were they going? i figured that the fun was over and went to the grill and started cooking.. all the while my wife is saying "oh my.. i hope they will be all right.. the street looks busy".. i was still pissed at the little bastards for not letting me in on the fun..
about 3 minutes later i started to hear a faint motor in the background and it was gaining dicibals as it got nearer.. i was actually excited.. now they round the corner into the neighborhood.. jacob is bent over the handle bars to lessen the wind resistants and enhance the speed.... smart thinking.. i would do the same.. shaun is sitting inthe wagon with a half ass smile-half ass "scared shitless" look on his face.. me?.. i am already giggling like a school girl.. my wife? already expressing concerns for the boy's well
being..
i would guess their speed at 15-20 miles per hour..now my friends.. i live in a coltasack.. from the start of the neighborhood to the end is about 150 yards.. give or take.. at the end of the coltasack is farmland.. ten feet from the end of the coltasack is a barbed wire fence that fences in cows.. the land then slopes downward so we never really see the livestock.. got the picture?..lets proceed..
as jacob flys by me he reaches back and somehow releases the red wagon.. and hence.. shaun.. jacob then turns out the way..at the release point shaun is about 50 feet from the end of the coltasack .. he has his knees drawn up in his chest to just be able to fit in the wagon.. that would spell his doom.. i take it from the scream that shrieked out of shaun's mouth that he was not expecting this sudden turn of events and to his credit.. he tried gallantly to free himself from his red coffin but.. to no avail..
the red wagon ramps up the slight concrete embankment with its screaming cargo on board.. by this time he has managed to get one leg free and with a "flintstone type" effort he is gragging his foot on the concrete.. it is all for naught.. the red wagon launches skyward.. and what must have seemed like a eternity for the lad named shaun but, only nano seconds, he clips the top of the barbwired fence.. wagon and all.. the wagon about 4 feet in the air.. this collisionacts as though a catapult and launches shaun in the air.. in pure superman style.. by the way.. the screaming has yet to diminish in nature.. shaun still airborne vanishes down the slope out of site.. i can assume the moment of impact with the ground because nanoseconds after he hit.. i saw his shoe fly up in the the air and quitely crash to the ground.. giving me two good bounces of which.. visually.. put me on the ground in the fetal position laughing like a national geographic documentary about hyenias..
my wife then yells "oh my god.." she pause with her hands covering her mouth in shear horror.. the says "did you see his shoe?" my wife equates the amount of possible impact with the amount it would take for one's shoe to ejaculate off ones foot.. this comment further puts me in the hole and now i can not breathe and can not get the image and sounds out of my head.. the scream.. the flintstone move.. the utter horror he must have felt and.. of course.. the site of impact marked by the launching of a nike..
i am completely out of commission and of no use to anyone at this moment.. my wife is yelling for me to stop laughing and come with her to see if he is all right.. blah .. blah.. she might have said something else.. cant say for sure.. and i would have just stayed there in my laugh induced stupper if it had not occured to me that something funny may ver well be out of sight behind that hill.. it was too much to pass up.. i stagger to my feet and run.. bent over still laughing with my wife yelling at me to stop.. i run past jacob and he says.. with a surprisingly startled look on his face.. "oh shit".. that .. as it enters my ear and settles into my brain's command center, further pushes me into a state of hysteria that i truly hope i never see again.. my knees buckle and as i roll around on the grass i really believe that i will projectile vomit at any moment.. i try to stop but, the meories keep coming back.. now add the "oh shit" and the look of complete shock that can only be made when a stunt goes horribly arye and i am now inconsulable..
but , again.. my persaverence for the ultimate laugh and the desire.. nay.. need to see shaun in his worst possible state somehow summounds the strength to make the extra 30 feet.. now reader.. i come off as callous.. but, it is truly in my dna for my father was not happy until someone was hurt just enough to let him launch off into a various levels of hysteria.. old men falling on ice?.. mere slap stick to my father.. but, i digress..
as i make it over the fence i cautiously approach the slope.. not knowing what i will find on the other side.. i start to feel guilty.. he could have a broken neck.. he could be rendered unconscience... brain damage?.. sure.. another possibility.. i approach with caution.. the laughing fits and muscle weakening hysteria.. now gone..i look over the slope.. i see shaun laying with his head pointed towards the bottom and laying in a crucifix position.. partially upside down from the 45 degree angle of the slope.. you would think that the first thing i check was for blood.. head wound.. any protruding shattered femurs that have etched thier way to the possible surface.. nope.. my eyes lock on the one sock covered foot.. minus a shoe .. looking me square in the eyes.. i drop this time to not return to a "normal state" for a period of ten minutes.. my abs ache with degrees of lactic acid that they will never know again.. my laughing is so loud and shrill that my wife.. attending to shaun.. yelling at me has absolutely to effect.. i am on all fours and inconsulable..
i try my damndest to not look at shaun.. who is moaning and motionless .. but, again.. the sadistic nature of my personality beckons me to look.. just one last time to garner any last ounce of humor in the situation.. i look up.. amidst the tears and swollen eyes.. slowly raising my head upward.. only to find my wife helping shaun sit up with the motherly instinct that she has always expressed.. shaun looks at me slowly.. we lock eyes.. he has a pained expression on his face.. but, again.. the onlything i see is a huge twig.. about ten inches long stuck through his hair.. i now keel over on to my side.. its over .. no refunds,, no returns.. my wife even now is trying to hide her face and trying dispritely not to laugh as i drag her into my sick little word.. as i lay on the grass pounding the earth with my fists i hear shaun's first words aimed at jacob since he almost became a statistic.. "DUDE..WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?".. at this point in the story my 3 o clock protein shake met mother earth..
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