Wife wants a divorce, need advice :/.

[Virtuous]

I've been married nearly 40 years. People say messed up stuff in the heat of it. Best advice I can offer is to give it some time. Women don't think rationally while the emotions are cranking. That comes later. That's when she will realize what she has.

Yeah, that’s why I didn’t bounce that night and catch a flight home and bail immediately. I’m giving it just a bit of time to see, but I’m not gonna force a change in behavior out of her.

If she reconciles and changes of her own volition quickly, I’ll be willing to work it out. If she doubles down, I’ll know it’s time to eject.

Either way my life will be fine, but I want her as part of it but only if she wants a string marriage too. Signs aren’t positive right now.

 

[plane]

Your woman does not see you as 'the man'..
a womans mind is all about how she FEELS, you make her feel - like she wants to fuck other guys.
She does not appreciate your niceness, or all the things you go out of your way to do for her.
She does not RESPECT you or she would of never have said those things.
If you continue to behave exactly how you are, and how you feel is right to act - you are FUCKED.
Someone said I was writing like a 'tough guy' - you have to be able to walk away from a woman even if you love her, that is SELF RESPECT.
You cannot tolerate disrespect, the only weapon that you have as a man in todays world IS - the ability to walk away, even if you feel like you love them.
Your woman should see that other woman find you attractive and you are desirable - if she notices other woman taking an interest in you, she will feel more attracted to you.
Men and woman are not the same, if you do not understand female psychology you are always operating in your beliefs which are fundamentally wrong when it comes to women.

Another thing I read is, you know she has snapchat, shes been travelling for 4 months - she speaks to EX's.. aka the guys who fucked her good.

DO you not understand how little self respect you have for yourself here? How badly you are treating your own soul?

YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS MAN. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE RETARDS TELLING YOU TO BUY FLOWERS OR BE NICE, YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP HERE.

 

[ChrisT47]

Goddamn man. That’s awful. That had to hurry beyond words. I’m so sorry. My situation isn’t anything as bad as that. I’m pretty hurt over words and some infidelity but physical abuse is a whole different level of horrible. I’d love to say I’d never hit a woman, and I haven’t, but striking your face (and not for the first time) drawing blood would honestly be justified self defense in my book. Men aren’t punching bags for insane violent women.

It's the first, and only time I've struck a woman, and even then it wasn't my intention I was trying to evade her but she grabbed me, and as I say scratched me, and it just happened. In hindsight I'd say it was everything building up over months, being physically attacked several times. I should of trusted my instincts earlier but that's often easier said than done especially when you have feelings for them. Everyone will advise you to just fuck her off, but that's very simple to say but very difficult to do.

 

[kilsong]

If she reconciles and changes of her own volition quickly, I’ll be willing to work it out. If she doubles down, I’ll know it’s time to eject.

If she changes what? She can't take back her words. The best u can expect is an explanation of what she said.

---Alcohol is truth serum---

Tell her exactly that, and find out what brought that on PRIOR to her being drunk.
Good luck man.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Your woman does not see you as 'the man'..
a womans mind is all about how she FEELS, you make her feel - like she wants to fuck other guys.
She does not appreciate your niceness, or all the things you go out of your way to do for her.
She does not RESPECT you or she would of never have said those things.
If you continue to behave exactly how you are, and how you feel is right to act - you are FUCKED.
Someone said I was writing like a 'tough guy' - you have to be able to walk away from a woman even if you love her, that is SELF RESPECT.
You cannot tolerate disrespect, the only weapon that you have as a man in todays world IS - the ability to walk away, even if you feel like you love them.
Your woman should see that other woman find you attractive and you are desirable - if she notices other woman taking an interest in you, she will feel more attracted to you.
Men and woman are not the same, if you do not understand female psychology you are always operating in your beliefs which are fundamentally wrong when it comes to women.

Another thing I read is, you know she has snapchat, shes been travelling for 4 months - she speaks to EX's.. aka the guys who fucked her good.

DO you not understand how little self respect you have for yourself here? How badly you are treating your own soul?

YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS MAN. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE RETARDS TELLING YOU TO BUY FLOWERS OR BE NICE, YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP HERE.

This relationship is in its adolescence. You have nowhere near the information about him (or her) at this point to make such a determination. There are plenty of successful couples out there who have survived much, much worse. So far we have drunken hurtful words. Deeply hurtful words, but still just words. Of course she dated guys before @Virtuous . My wife was certainly no choir girl before we met. And we've had hard times as well. Coming up on 12 years now including surviving two pregnancies and one brush with possible infidelity (I insist it wasn't infidelity, she disagrees). Should I just toss her away?

Last week she said I was the biggest asshole she ever met. This morning she started blowing me while I was brushing my teeth.

If we're to just toss away every person that says or does something hurtful to us, however minor, we're going to live damn lonely lives. People say dumb shit all the time. Maybe she did think the ring was small initially. So what? You can replace a stone. Many couples do exactly that anyway together and it's a rewarding experience for them both. Now, talking to her ex's is bad because if the guy she's talking to still wants her, he's going to be laying his game on her. So that should stop.

But so far, some very harsh words is where we're at. And she has a kid, and he loves both of them. So she may think she can just go out and find another guy and trade up but with a kid in tow, that's not going to be as easy as she may think.

People are on here talking about walking away as taking the hard/strong route. No. Keeping families together today is the hard route. We don't walk away when things get tough. And this will take work. But surviving adversity (unless we're talking outright abuse) forges stronger relationships, not weaken them.

If you keep one foot out the door at all times, your relationship cannot survive. You have to go all in. And that takes balls.

 

[pickapeck]

This relationship is in its adolescence. You have nowhere near the information about him (or her) at this point to make such a determination. There are plenty of successful couples out there who have survived much, much worse. So far we have drunken hurtful words. Deeply hurtful words, but still just words. Of course she dated guys before @Virtuous . My wife was certainly no choir girl before we met. And we've had hard times as well. Coming up on 12 years now including surviving two pregnancies and one brush with possible infidelity (I insist it wasn't infidelity, she disagrees). Should I just toss her away?

Last week she said I was the biggest asshole she ever met. This morning she started blowing me while I was brushing my teeth.

If we're to just toss away every person that says or does something hurtful to us, however minor, we're going to live damn lonely lives. People say dumb shit all the time. Maybe she did think the ring was small initially. So what? You can replace a stone. Many couples do exactly that anyway together and it's a rewarding experience for them both. Now, talking to her ex's is bad because if the guy she's talking to still wants her, he's going to be laying his game on her. So that should stop.

But so far, some very harsh words is where we're at. And she has a kid, and he loves both of them. So she may think she can just go out and find another guy and trade up but with a kid in tow, that's not going to be as easy as she may think.

People are on here talking about walking away as taking the hard/strong route. No. Keeping families together today is the hard route. We don't walk away when things get tough. And this will take work. But surviving adversity (unless we're talking outright abuse) forges stronger relationships, not weaken them.

If you keep one foot out the door at all times, your relationship cannot survive. You have to go all in. And that takes balls.

^^ Wisdom

 

[Virtuous]

This relationship is in its adolescence. You have nowhere near the information about him (or her) at this point to make such a determination. There are plenty of successful couples out there who have survived much, much worse. So far we have drunken hurtful words. Deeply hurtful words, but still just words. Of course she dated guys before @Virtuous . My wife was certainly no choir girl before we met. And we've had hard times as well. Coming up on 12 years now including surviving two pregnancies and one brush with possible infidelity (I insist it wasn't infidelity, she disagrees). Should I just toss her away?

Last week she said I was the biggest asshole she ever met. This morning she started blowing me while I was brushing my teeth.

If we're to just toss away every person that says or does something hurtful to us, however minor, we're going to live damn lonely lives. People say dumb shit all the time. Maybe she did think the ring was small initially. So what? You can replace a stone. Many couples do exactly that anyway together and it's a rewarding experience for them both. Now, talking to her ex's is bad because if the guy she's talking to still wants her, he's going to be laying his game on her. So that should stop.

But so far, some very harsh words is where we're at. And she has a kid, and he loves both of them. So she may think she can just go out and find another guy and trade up but with a kid in tow, that's not going to be as easy as she may think.

People are on here talking about walking away as taking the hard/strong route. No. Keeping families together today is the hard route. We don't walk away when things get tough. And this will take work. But surviving adversity (unless we're talking outright abuse) forges stronger relationships, not weaken them.

If you keep one foot out the door at all times, your relationship cannot survive. You have to go all in. And that takes balls.

Yeah she loved the ring until the coworker she got into a fight with pointed out that her ring was bigger, and she threw that in my face.]

We had another spat this morning because a colleague of mine had a going away party last Friday, and a woman who was into me a couple years back (she had made her feelings rather clear at the time) was at the party as well (as was I). The party was super professional, no one drunk, and the girl and I never dated or did anything back when she was into me, and has a baby and boyfriend now, but I still got the 3rd degree from her and more threats of divorce over it.


Has to be an underlying issue, either she just resents me or there's something she's not saying, because that's immature as hell. I didn't get mad, I calmly apologized for not telling her that that person was there (even though honestly I didn't even think it would matter, as it wasn't an ex and I never slept with that person), and things seem chill now this afternoon.

Still, it feels like I'm walking around landmines.

I love your advice, you're right - people fuck up. My primary concern is that she's projecting some personal guilt over cheating onto me by getting so goddamn mad at me for something that normally wouldn't be an issue at all.

 

[Alzadosghost]

Goddamn man. That’s awful. That had to hurry beyond words. I’m so sorry. My situation isn’t anything as bad as that. I’m pretty hurt over words and some infidelity but physical abuse is a whole different level of horrible. I’d love to say I’d never hit a woman, and I haven’t, but striking your face (and not for the first time) drawing blood would honestly be justified self defense in my book. Men aren’t punching bags for insane violent women.

That’s why I said get the weapons as far away from her as possible lol I have a few crazy stories that still elevate my bp thinking about those violent vicious cunts. When they start asking for it it’s already too late to turn back. Even if your only defending yourself you’ll end up in jail.

 

[NovaPharma]

Bro start moving your guns out of there asap, get in there one day while she’s at work or away AND TAKE ALL YOUR SHIT !!

Get the fuck out of there!! She’s not of value my man!

 

[Shadow Project]

Yeah she loved the ring until the coworker she got into a fight with pointed out that her ring was bigger, and she threw that in my face.]

We had another spat this morning because a colleague of mine had a going away party last Friday, and a woman who was into me a couple years back (she had made her feelings rather clear at the time) was at the party as well (as was I). The party was super professional, no one drunk, and the girl and I never dated or did anything back when she was into me, and has a baby and boyfriend now, but I still got the 3rd degree from her and more threats of divorce over it.


Has to be an underlying issue, either she just resents me or there's something she's not saying, because that's immature as hell. I didn't get mad, I calmly apologized for not telling her that that person was there (even though honestly I didn't even think it would matter, as it wasn't an ex and I never slept with that person), and things seem chill now this afternoon.

Still, it feels like I'm walking around landmines.

I love your advice, you're right - people fuck up. My primary concern is that she's projecting some personal guilt over cheating onto me by getting so goddamn mad at me for something that normally wouldn't be an issue at all.

Just sit her down at a good moment and tell her you need to know what the fuck is going on. Either she is telling what is up or things will end very soon.

 

[Virtuous]

Yeah, we agreed that when I get back from Denver later this week we’ll spend a couple days together and hash it out. I told her straight up we both need clarity, and we should waste weeks, months, or years with ambiguity.

Either we choose to go all in and commit to being a badass couple 100% of the time, or we walk away and cut off communication 100% and never talk again. No half in half out. I want to hear all her dirt, what she’s unhappy with, what she wants, and what she needs. If that’s me, great. If she’s not certain without a doubt, I’m gone.

Just sit her down at a good moment and tell her you need to know what the fuck is going on. Either she is telling what is up or things will end very soon.

 

[mitochondria]

they do say that sometimes drugs/alcohol brings out the truth. I can attest to that myself. I actually dont get drunk or smoke even with any new girls I am dating for a while cuz I know i may say or do something a little off key and then once its done theres no coming back. Some people can really loosen up some screws just from alcohol. some of the things she said means she isnt happy about some things, kinda sounded like she settled for you in a way and no disrespect by that to you. Dont sound like you have done anything wrong and shes just one of those types of girls. The ring thing, i wouldnt even want to be with a girl that is pricing things out like that in her head, an average nice ring is solid in my book regardless of your income. some of these chicks are transactional and I try to watch out for those. So many dynamics to dating which is what makes it so hard and why so many people are singe. We should be happy yet have to understand nothing will be prefect.

I feel like theres more details to yalls story and weird this all just came out of nowhere. its a hard one to call, you may feel like you can work out some kinks perhaps, we are not in the relationship as you are so its all you at the end of the day so its hard to say just bounce as I have been there. Its great you dont have a kid with her though if you do decide to bounce. Ya some girls do fester stuff and never talk about it or mention it very lightly but deep down its much deeper, so you may want to try to see if theres other issues if possible and if there workable. If things get worse, they will get more worse so dont waste more of you

 

[Othello]

She cheated on me when we were dating with some ex’s and still snapchats them

dude..

 

[Othello]

Yeah she loved the ring until the coworker she got into a fight with pointed out that her ring was bigger, and she threw that in my face.]

holy shit lol, lmao even

 

[Zarati]

She has no respect for you

 

[chidoman]

Your woman does not see you as 'the man'..
a womans mind is all about how she FEELS, you make her feel - like she wants to fuck other guys.
She does not appreciate your niceness, or all the things you go out of your way to do for her.
She does not RESPECT you or she would of never have said those things.
If you continue to behave exactly how you are, and how you feel is right to act - you are FUCKED.
Someone said I was writing like a 'tough guy' - you have to be able to walk away from a woman even if you love her, that is SELF RESPECT.
You cannot tolerate disrespect, the only weapon that you have as a man in todays world IS - the ability to walk away, even if you feel like you love them.
Your woman should see that other woman find you attractive and you are desirable - if she notices other woman taking an interest in you, she will feel more attracted to you.
Men and woman are not the same, if you do not understand female psychology you are always operating in your beliefs which are fundamentally wrong when it comes to women.

Another thing I read is, you know she has snapchat, shes been travelling for 4 months - she speaks to EX's.. aka the guys who fucked her good.

DO you not understand how little self respect you have for yourself here? How badly you are treating your own soul?

YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS MAN. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE RETARDS TELLING YOU TO BUY FLOWERS OR BE NICE, YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP HERE.

^^^^This Bro, you need to read and re-read it again and again, Wisdom.

 

[Zarati]

Your woman does not see you as 'the man'..
a womans mind is all about how she FEELS, you make her feel - like she wants to fuck other guys.
She does not appreciate your niceness, or all the things you go out of your way to do for her.
She does not RESPECT you or she would of never have said those things.
If you continue to behave exactly how you are, and how you feel is right to act - you are FUCKED.
Someone said I was writing like a 'tough guy' - you have to be able to walk away from a woman even if you love her, that is SELF RESPECT.
You cannot tolerate disrespect, the only weapon that you have as a man in todays world IS - the ability to walk away, even if you feel like you love them.
Your woman should see that other woman find you attractive and you are desirable - if she notices other woman taking an interest in you, she will feel more attracted to you.
Men and woman are not the same, if you do not understand female psychology you are always operating in your beliefs which are fundamentally wrong when it comes to women.

Another thing I read is, you know she has snapchat, shes been travelling for 4 months - she speaks to EX's.. aka the guys who fucked her good.

DO you not understand how little self respect you have for yourself here? How badly you are treating your own soul?

YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS MAN. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE RETARDS TELLING YOU TO BUY FLOWERS OR BE NICE, YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP HERE.

So true man

 

[Love_to_Bodybuild]

How do you know she had sex with another man , men while y'all were dating?

As far as the ring thing, sounds like a golddigger . Either that or trying to knock down your worth. You said her history she didn't take anything from her ex. Still important to protect your valuables. You could just let her go find someone that'll give her a bigger ring , if that's what she's looking for. Sounds like undo stress .

On a different perspective I do like that they are just words and you can work through it. Remember though words can cause our mind to access what was said. If someone constantly is depressed and talking negative, like a previous relationship, if takes a calm cool person almost one hundred percent of the time to put up with that. I've done it briefly and my mom has with my dad. My mom is super calm ,unlike most females I've came across. Her whole family was, is alike this. My dad's side is more anxious, nervous, more Prone to emotional unstableness. Thankfully I've got more calm from moms than emotional unstableness from dad but when dad's side arises I have to act fast, talk fast and put it into positive action! My point is some.of this is genetic and one can only do the best with what they have. You won't convince her to stop drinking if she doesn't want to. Thats one of her drugs of choice whether it's once a week or once every two months. I can see both sides of stay with her or leave. In the end it's up to you, and what your willing to put up with.

 

[Virtuous]

How do you know she had sex with another man , men while y'all were dating?

As far as the ring thing, sounds like a golddigger . Either that or trying to knock down your worth. You said her history she didn't take anything from her ex. Still important to protect your valuables. You could just let her go find someone that'll give her a bigger ring , if that's what she's looking for. Sounds like undo stress .

On a different perspective I do like that they are just words and you can work through it. Remember though words can cause our mind to access what was said. If someone constantly is depressed and talking negative, like a previous relationship, if takes a calm cool person almost one hundred percent of the time to put up with that. I've done it briefly and my mom has with my dad. My mom is super calm ,unlike most females I've came across. Her whole family was, is alike this. My dad's side is more anxious, nervous, more Prone to emotional unstableness. Thankfully I've got more calm from moms than emotional unstableness from dad but when dad's side arises I have to act fast, talk fast and put it into positive action! My point is some.of this is genetic and one can only do the best with what they have. You won't convince her to stop drinking if she doesn't want to. Thats one of her drugs of choice whether it's once a week or once every two months. I can see both sides of stay with her or leave. In the end it's up to you, and what your willing to put up with.

Thanks man. I love this perspective.

 

[Virtuous]

Quick update:

Doing counseling, seeing if getting back into religion helps. This is for her, she’s very religious and I didn’t realize I had been pulling her away. I shit on organized church and am very logical to the point where i had debated her on religion and argued it was illogical to assume that one religion in particular could have all the answers and that due to fallibility of man, even if the Bible had the correct message, it had to have translation errors. Turns out that was a major point of resentment we never uncovered. I’m going to walk that back and be more accepting and open minded for her.

We agreed to work on our marriage and this problem as a team until after the holidays (unless it blows up again).

If we can’t beat this problem as a team, we’ll accept we don’t fit.

If we can work through it and counseling helps, we won’t promise the world but we’ll take it from there.

In the interim, I made my finances secure from damage by playing a shell game with cash and hidden physical liquidity so I’ll have a very healthy buffer if things go sideways. I wanted to get more into gold and foreign currency anyhow due to our economy, so i just had to convert my precious metal holdings into physical metal and put them in a trusted space that no lawyer or accountant could find. It’ll look like I just broke down with a gambling problem due to stress if anyone looks.

I still risk short term spousal support since I make loads of bank, but it’s a very short marriage and she makes excellent income as well so it won’t hurt too bad. That is worth the risk to me.

I think we may actually make it, though, she’s made a huge effort to apologize and reconcile. To the point of the earlier post above me, her whole family is like this. She’s the first one to go to college and have a good career, the rest all have been effectively societal scavengers and always think they’re being fucked over so that probably added to it.